My 2018 did not have a good start. I was already a college graduate for 6 months at the time, and I started to feel pressured because I was not employed yet. I've failed 2 job interviews in the latter part of 2017 and that was the time I started to look down on myself and felt useless. I started to question my capabilities, abilities, existence and purpose & I always cry myself to sleep, questioning God. But still trying to look happy, positive, and strong when I wake up because I don't want people around me to see my fragile side for I always want them to think that I can handle anything by myself. I felt heaviness in my heart every single day thinking that I am a pure disappointment in the family. There were even times that hurting myself or taking my own life will take all the pain away. 'Mild depression' as someone once told me that I may be encountering. It may be exaggerated but yes, it happened. It's not obvious though, so I guess no one knew.
I tried to open up to people I trusted but, they looked up to me so much I don't think they understand and it's like I have no right to feel such things because for them my life is perfect. I mean there's nothing wrong with reminding me my achievements, that I was blessed enough to graduate college and had an internship abroad but what I am feeling is really different. They did not even believed me when I told them that there are nights that I want to hurt myself. It made me think that probably I am just facing identity crisis and just got overwhelmed with the thought of adulthood. I also felt envy & insecure with my boyfriend because he already got a job and I still got nothing. I was afraid of breaking down in front of him and to spoil his happy moment, I just want to show how supportive I am.
I kept on searching online for job openings and Mama Lou's Grp. really caught my attention. I got interested and did a little research about the company before submitting my resumé. I actually prayed before doing so and obviously, I did. I was really glad that they considered my application and invited me for an interview and thank God, I got qualified!!! I cannot contain my happiness that I've spent hours in our rooftop, appreciating the stars, city lights and the cold breeze. I thanked God that finally, He answered my prayer. Until my first day at work!!! I had my 1st week in Mama Lou's Italian Kitchen (Ayala 30th) then the 2nd week in Nonna's Pasta & Pizzeria (Nuvali) and the people there were welcoming and I can really feel their bond as a family. They're all approachable but sadly, I am not good with conversations especially on the first meetings & I'm just the timid, anti-social with a resting btch face girl. And then the new branch in Galleria has opened, and got a chance to work with people who I also considered as family. I was with Nonna's Galleria for 7 months and the experience I had was fun and memorable. The job itself wasn't that easy, it was exhausting plus the travel time!! I learned so much from my older colleagues who have more experiences in work (& life). They've pushed me and pressured me which helps me grow and improved.
My plan was to gain an experience in the Philippines for a maximum of 2 years and then study abroad. I was choosing between USA, Canada and Australia. I was really confused on where to choose because they are all a good country. I kept on praying to God to help and guide me with my decision and seek an advice from my church mates and group leader. My mother found a good offer in USA to study inVatel Los Angeles, but my heart is not in it. I am not convinced and, I don't feel that I am meant for that school although it is really a good one. I tried to list the pros & cons and the only 'pros' that I have in mind is that Vatel is good for educational background...and that's it! Next, is the opportunity in Canada. My mother (once again) inquired in one of the agency that are known for exchange visas. But she wasn't convinced with the offer and process and so she kept on searching until she finally found ELCID Hospitality Migration that opens up the opportunity in Australia. We attended the seminar and learned about the process and a background of living in the country. I got interested but I was still confused. My parents wants me to grab the opportunity and leave the Philippines as early as possible. Even me and my mother had some arguments, misunderstanding and heart-to-heart talk. She told me, "Natutuwa nga ako sayo e, kasi kahit ang liit mo, matapang ka naman. Ang layo na ng nararating mo sa edad mong yan." My father and I also had the serious father-daughter talk in the car and told me, "Ang daming taong humahanga sayo... Kung di man kayo magsama ni Carlo sa Australia, kung kayo, kayo naman talaga. Tiis-tiis lang. Wag mong sayangin ang opportunity. Para din yan sa future mo". I really want to spend the holidays with my family and I am scared to feel the separation anxiety I've felt when I came to America. I am scared to live independently again. I realized that maybe my fear leads me into my confusion if I should grab this opportunity or not. But people are telling me that this is a good one and I should grab it while I'm young and that I shouldn't waste any more time just because of doubts and fear. And since I haven't been to Australia, why not?
I want to push this 'Australia thing' and told my boyfriend that he can do whatever his plans are as long as it'll help him grow and it gives him a good future but why not consider this offer? The offer in Australia is to study commercial cookery and is required to work in the kitchen for 2 years & since he is not interested on being a cook/chef he's having a second thought. But after several discussions, I convinced him to come with me (yayyyy!!!) So we submitted our documents to start the visa process and told God that if this is His plan for us, let it be. Just like what Tita Taynee said, "If plan yan ni Lord sayo, everything will be smooth." And yes, everything went smoothly & quickly!!! The process only took I guess, a month and the visa approval only took us less than a week and here we are.....in the land down under.
The lesson I've learned from 2018? That is to just trust God with EVERYTHING. That you're maybe on your lowest now, but if you keep your faith and never get discouraged, you will learn that God's plan is worth the pain and worth the wait. God let me fail my first 2 job interviews because if I didn't, I wouldn't get the chance to meet my Nonna's family who also supported me with my plans. I've been through a rocky road because God was preparing and making me tougher, more independent and responsible because He will have His plan before the year ends. I actually did not plan any of these yet, but God's timing and His plans will always be better than ours. I've learned that reaching your goals simply means that you have to get out of your comfort zone. Be strong. Every goal has a sacrifice. I need to sacrifice the bonding and occasions with my family. I need to learn how to live on my own because sooner or later, I will also become a wife and a mother. Being here taught me to value money, and the difference between needs and wants. I also learned to never compare my progress with others. I don't care if it looked like I am left behind or I am ahead. But instead, no matter what be, an inspiration. There are some people who sees my life as a perfect one. They thought that my life's easy because I go to places and do the things I want. But what they do not know is that, there are times I am wondering, "what if my life's like theirs?"
I learned that, if your are receiving overflowing blessings, you should share. I also proved God's promise in Ephesians 6:1-3 it says there that, "Children, obey your parents in Lord for this is right. Honor your father & mother--which is the first commandment with a promise--so that it may go well with you & that you may enjoy long life on the earth." It is difficult to obey, but I held on this verse and God kept his promise. Of course, to never forget God after he answered your prayer. My 2018 may have a bittersweet beginning but God surely made a beautiful ending ♥